Have a Laugh

[Izaya Orihara]

So I got bored today and started going through something known as "Texts From Last Night." I ended up adapting them to Durarara!! characters. I didn't write any of these, I just found them and adapted them for characters by changing the names involved or a few words. ...I also added grammar.

EDIT: NOW WITH MORE LAUGHS! Shizu-chan and I are working together on this now.

MORE TO COME!

From: Izaya
To: Kururi
Subject: Mairu's Shirts
Please remember your boobs are bigger than your sisters. When you borrow her shirts, they stretch and she's left flapping in the breeze. Don't borrow her clothes anymore. Love, Izaya.

From: Kida
To: Saki
Subject: Mikado
The higher I get, the less gay he looks, and the more I want to make out with him. This is dangerous.

From: Izaya
To: Shinra
Subject: Ikebukuro
So, I'd say it was a successful trip. I only got hit once.

From: Mairu
To: <Random Target Selected>
Subject: Your Card
I'm sorry to inform you, but your friends with benefits card has expired as of the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card, you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please not that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

From: Izaya
To: Mairu
Subject: RE: Your Card
As much as it flatters me that you think your brother is that good looking, I think we might need to have a talk. And no, I'm not asking Shizu-chan to get you a picture of his brother's. Sorry~ That's information I can't sell.
[Okay, admin did write that one.]

From: Izaya
To: Shinra
Subject: Shizu-chan Made Dinner
Don't worry, nothing happened... but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

From: Celty
To: Shinra
Subject: ...
You are an asshole.

From: Shinra
To: Celty
Subject: RE: ...
Ahaha, sleeping beauty awakes.

From: Celty
To: Shinra
Subject: RE: RE: ...
Where did you find this costume?

From: Izaya
To: Simon
Subject: Drink Mix
I can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

From: Simon
To: Izaya
Subject: RE: Drink Mix
I should bottle and sell it. My slogan would be "Green Tea Vodka, anti-toxicating while intoxicating. Your liver will thank you."

From: Erika
To: Dotachin~
Subject: Boom~!
Can we have fireworks this year, or will the ocean explode?

From: Izaya
To: Shinra
Subject: Unstoppable!
I've been tazing him to get him immune. He will be unstoppable!

From: Mairu
To: Izaya
Subject: Crisis Averted
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

From: Walker
To: Erika
Subject: Not Gonna Happen
No, seriously, she's legit pissed I'm late to lunch because I was watching anime. There's obviously no future here.

From: Izaya
To: Shizu-chan
Subject: Why I Don't Drink
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honoured.

From: Shizuo
To: Tom
Subject: I Blame the Flea
Someone played Tick-Tac-Toe on my abs?

[Izaya Orihara]

From: Erika
To: Walker
Subject: Oops
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

From: Kida
To: Walker
Subject: Hahaha!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

From: Kida
To: Anri
Subject: Totally True
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz I'm the Sheep King and I'd have sexy smooth sheep fur~

From: Shinra
To: Shizuo
Subject: Beer is Good...?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

From: Izaya
To: Shizu-chan
Subject: Meanie!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

From: Togusa
To: Erika
Subject: Do I Want To Know?
Could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

From: Simon
To: Shizuo
Subject: In My Home Country
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real Russian roulette, my friend.

From: Kida
To: Mikado
Subject: Anri
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas".

From: Kasuka
To: Shizuo
Subject: Fun Memories
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.

From: Kadota
To: Togusa
Subject: Sorry
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time. COME PICK ME UP!

From: Shizu-chan
To: Izaya
Subject: hiiiiiiiiiiii sweyie
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee

From: Kida
To: Mikado
Subject: I love Europe
I'm drinking a beer that's called "Vuuve" which is boobs in Belgian. I think my life is complete.

From: Kururi
To: Mairu
Subject: Problem?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

From: Shizuo
To: Kasuka
Subject: FYI
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

From: Shizu-chan
To: Izaya
Subject: I Knew It
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

From: Seji~<3
To: Namie
Subject: Mika
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers.

From: Shinra
To: Kasuka
Subject: FYI
On an unrelated note, I found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face.

From: Kasuka
To: Shinra
Subject: RE: FYI
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

From: Namie
To: Izaya
Subject: RE: Shiki
He might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

From: Shizu-chan
To: Izaya
Subject: izzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyYYyyy
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person

From: Izaya
To: Shizu-chan
Subject: RE: izzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyYYyyy
When you're drunk, I do too.

From: Shiri [Girl with the sign, for the record]
To: Erika
Subject: RE: That American Creeper
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.

From: Izaya
To: Shinra
Subject: My Sisters
Found them sleeping in the closet. Woke them up and they said they were camping.

From: Shizuo
To: Kasuka
Subject: Playing With Izaya
Only at my house do Scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

From: Kasuka
To: Shizuo
Subject: Get Motivated
I just want you to know that I hid the milk. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

From: Kida
To: Mikado
Subject: That Last Job
I'll give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while house-sitting for my boss.

From: Izaya
To: Celty
Subject: Shizu-chan
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

From: Saki
To: Izaya
Subject: -sigh-
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

From: Walker
To: Dotachin
Subject: Togusa's Burn
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

From: Mikado
To: Kida
Subject: Ikebukuro
Picked up a girl by parallel parking. I love this town already.

From: Erika
To: Dotachin
Subject: No Peeking
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

From: Kida
To: Mikado
Subject: Woo!
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo. (1/2)

From: Kida
To: Mikado
Subject: Woo!
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling. (2/2)

From: Walker
To: Dotachin
Subject: Fun Times
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall.

From: Celty
To: Shizuo
Subject: Last Night...?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the Kool-Aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed juice.

From: Erika
To: Togusa
Subject: Ehehe...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

From: Shizuo
To: Izaya
Subject: No Offense
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you.

From: Shinra
To: Father
Subject: That Patient I Brought You
He's screaming about Slender man. Whatever he's on is probably not healthy.

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